Eternals Review: Brits cannot be superheroes!

Eternals is by no means a terrible film. There are plenty of good aspects. Director Chloe Zhao has been able to make a story spanning the universe and millions of years, yet make it feel intimate and firmly locked between the ten cast members. The diversity is deliberate but well balanced. Kumail Nanjiani is pretty great as the comic relief. But I can’t help feel an overwhelming disappointment with the movie, based on what some will call self-destructive xenophobia on my part, because I’m here to declare, BRITS CANNOT BE SUPERHEROES!

I’ve spent plenty of time growing up as a Brit, and I’ve spent some time living amongst the Americans, and let’s face it, ONLY THE YANKS CAN PULL OFF THE SUPERHERO LANDING.

Americans have an elevated self-belief, and a wonderful overabundance of confidence, and for this reason, they can say things like “Avengers…assemble” and get away with it. The British, on the other hand are specialist at dry humour, sarcasm, wit and cricket. No amount of gamma radiation can remove the bumbling Hugh Grant awkwardness that would ruin any Englishman’s attempt at “I am Ironman….I think, you know I’m not completely sure, I mean the suit fits but it’s not really my cup of tea is it”.

Eternals is led by Gemma Chan and Richard Madden., and in addition, his Game of the Thrones brother Kit Harrington is in for the ride. While I can completely believe in these fellas lifting a sword at the Battle of Anywhateverstershire, placing them in a Marvel universe feels like Daniel Radcliffe starting a career in WWE. And Gemma Chan is just absolutely bereft of charisma. She looks like a goddess sure, but when she ordered that Amazon Prime package of cinematic chemistry, there was a serious mix up at the warehouse. Angelina Jolie, on her worst day, hungover after an alimony fight with Brad, could have slapped on some eyeliner, and given us more range in a paragraph of dialogue, than Gemma did in 2 and a half hours. And that’s cos she from ‘Murica!

The only Brits who can be superheroes do so with convincing accents. Tom Holland – Spiderman; Cumberbatch as Doctor Strange; Christian Bale – Batman. Only Paul Bettany gets a pass in this area, and come on, posh Vision is hardly the figurehead idol that kids cheer about and stick posters up on their wall for.

I wish it was different but we just have to face the cold truth, only Americans believe in themselves enough to wear their underpants on the outside and set off to save the world.