Batman v Superman - review

I enjoyed it. More than I have enjoyed any of the IronmaptainAmerica carnage snoozefests. Affleck is great and Cavill fits perfectly as SMan, though he is unfortunately too handsome to do anything. Too handsome to fit in that newsroom, and too handsome for Lois who, sadly is starting to look like the high school sweetheart that he settled down with when he was overweight before Crossfit came a-calling in his twenties.

I enjoyed it. But then I got home and thought about it, and realised that much of the storyline is stupid. Not Snooki's offspring stupid, but still mid to high on the dumbometer. I have a problem with Lex Luthor, what's his motivation? Does he want riches and money, or to control the Earth? If so, then why would he create Doomsday who is fo' sho' gonna destroy the Earth due to the fact that you made him UNKILLABLE. 

(btw creating Doomsday was a bit too easy don't you think.) 

Completely alien artificial intelligence system: Lex Luthor you do not have the authority to operate this technology.

Lex: really? How about now?

A.I.: ok yeah, now is good, now works for me.

And Jesse Eisenberg is just not right for the part. Not threatening like Bane, not psycho like Heath - I thought he was more unhinged when playing Zuckerburg in a bathrobe. And if Lex Luthor's motivation is confused it makes his plan to turn Batman confused. And why you being such a jerk Bruce? Superman has a pretty good record on 'doing the right thing' - like 5000 for 0, so why you gotta be hatin'? 

Ok, even if we accept Batman's paranoid campaign against Mr Red Cloak, the biggest flaw in this film is the pivotal moment of 'Martha'.

Batman: GRRRRRR I AM SO COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY INTENT ON MURDERING YOU WITH THIS GREEN CRYSTAL SPEAAARRRRR!!!!!

Superman: Maarrtthhhaaa....

Batman: say what! We's mommas got the same name? Shut the front door, what a coinkidink! Hashtag twinsies!

This exchange sucks the life out of proceedings and it's a bloody good thing they have Gal Gadot as WonderWoman to completely distract you from the plot holes. When she appeared and that cello line played I'm pretty sure I jizzed a little. Apologies to the man in the seat in front of me.